EDITOR'S NOTE> while chaz bartok was not the winner of the new writer showdown, he was the runner up. As teep dong has foresaken usounds for the sunnier shores of Phuket, and is unable to perform his duties, we basically had no choice but to print his column. The one stipulation is that he must review CDs that we give him.

Hey. This Chaz and I'm feeling alright. Usoundz style.

You may be some sort of pussy and not know what it's like to feel so damn good, but I'm a man who knows how to live life, and music is an essential component.

On the way over I had some tunes blasting so loud I almost spilled wine all over my new pants-- the fucking leather ones that match the trans am's interior. Would have been a nightmare but it's cool now that I'm rockin. Anyway let's get to the music before I pass out.

They gave me this one last week. At first I was like, OK, it could rock-- whitebread name for a fucking band but the album title sounded interesting. Then I started listening. For a while it was cool, I was ready to appreciate it on a kind of G 'n' R "Lies" acoustic jam-session level. To get into the mood I put on some oversized shades and a sleeveless t-shirt.

The real problem is that this shit fails to rock consistently. What I needed was a track like "I used to love her, but I had to kill her." Something that really resonates with the common, alcoholic, acne-scarred man like myself, not all this bullshit about love this, love that. Fuck off is what I say to that shit, so fuck you.

When the editors first gave me this one I thought, they have got to be fucking kidding. First they give me the soundtrack to some scottish pansy's dreary life, then they give me the soundtrack to two fairy movies that I haven't even seen. I thought maybe the whole thing was one big joke on old Chaz. Ha ha, he's drunk all the time, he won't notice that we give him all pussy music. Fuck that.

But from the first few tracks I knew that this was my kind of shit. First of all about half the songs are sung by some bad-azz chick with an attitude and voice that's sounds like Janis Joplin's older, uglier sister's. A lot of the other songs are mellow, but not in a pussy way.

For a long time I was looking for an album I could play for driving home drunk at dawn after sleeping a few hours in the 'am-- you know, regular Sunday morning type shit. RATT and early Crue just weren't cutting it anymore, now I know that 60's harmony pop was the answer I was lookin for, so fuck you all.

 

Well, that's all for now from Chaz Bartok. I just want to finish by saying to all the people out there that want to judge other people, want to judge me and my lifestyle, want to throw me in prison just for having a good time-- none of you can touch me. As long as I have my 'am, my music, and my liquor, none of you can touch me. So fuck you.

USOUNDS | 3.29.1999