Jack Johnson
The Jack Johnson who sang the “Curious George” soundtrack, the Jack Johnson who was a professional surfer before picking up the guitar to great success, the Jack Johnson who recorded “Brushfire Fairytales” is NOT the same Jack Johnson who was the first African-American to be a world heavyweight champion boxer. I looked like a complete idiot at Trivia Night this weekend at Shooter’s Bar & Grilll, a complete idiot! So, yeah, I guess this guitar playing guy isn’t black either.

“Jerk It Out,” by the Caesars
Is this song about penises and stuff? About, you know, jerking it out? “Coz it’s easy once you know how it’s done/You can’t stop now/It’s already begun/You feel it/Running through your bones/And you jerk it out.” Sounds like the lyrics are rather, engorged. But, here’s where it’s more than a little icky. “Can’t you hear you talk too loud/No I can’t hear nothing cause I got my head in the clouds/I bite off anything I can chew.” I BITE OFF ANYTHING I CAN CHEW. So to avoid serious medical trauma, in front of the Caesars I wouldn’t jerk it out.

“Jesus Doesn’t Want Me for a Sunbeam,” by Nirvana
The song was originally recorded by The Vaselines. It’s a parody of the children’s song, “I’ll Be a Sunbeam.” No one took much notice to the song until Nirvana performed it on “MTV Unplugged.” Other things Jesus doesn’t want you to be: a heroin addict and a suicide victim.

Jewel
She’s pretty, even with snaggly teeth.

Jinghu
Wow, the jinghu. It’s the highest pitched and smallest instrument of the huqin family! You know the huqins, yes? Mr. Erhu, Mrs. Gaohu, and their kid Zhonghu are a pretty cool family. They’re quiet and keep up their yard. Don’t go trick-or-treating over there though. Last year my kid (dressed as the executed Princess Anastasia) went over there to trick-or-treat. She got a silk worm. It died in like two days.

Joplin, Scott
He had terminal syphilis.

Junior Boys
The boys (Jeremy Greenspan, Matt Didemus) are a cool rockin’ electronic pop duo. They themselves are human, not electronic. No one can rock Ontario like the Junior Boys. There’s, of course, a lot that CAN rock Ontario like, uh, ice fishing and, er, quilting?